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The Rant - REALLY backdated
sashimilover wrote in red_moon_comm
Who: Anko, Iruka, (mentions Kakashi)
When: Right after Child's Play
Where: Iruka's house
Summary: Iruka's temper doesn't cool easily but Anko's used to it
Rating: PG
Warnings: Nothing really


"That egotistical, manipulative, self-serving prick!" Iruka yelled, storming around his kitchen. He yanked the fridge open, pulling out half a dozen different things to chop up, then slammed it shut and started the rice.

"At least Mizuki always fucking told me what he was planning, he didn't just expect me to wing it. At least I knew what Mizuki expected, I wasn't just shoved into the 'good cop' role without so much as a moments notice. Does the 'amazing fucking Detective Hatake' need to inform anyone what he's doing? No! Of course not because he's so damn sure everyone will just do what he wants!" He pulled out the cutting board and the knife and started chopping vegetables, clearly envisioning them being the target of his anger.

"That fucking PRICK! I could just... I could... ARGH!"

“Hiss, bitch, moan, Iru-chan…” Anko sing-songed, slinking up behind her friend. She hooked her chin over his shoulder, wrapped her arms around his waist and reached out to calm his tempestuously mobile hand.

“First, we rescue the vegetables…” she put words into action and plucked the knife free, setting it to the side. “Second, you left the front door unlocked again. Do we need to have the stranger-danger talk?”

Anko sighed, dramatically, before perking right back up.

“Third,” she quickly added, halting any rejoinders with a wave towards the manically chopped food. “We order out. I am not eating whatever that crap clearly isn’t. Also,” she unwound herself from his body, offering a quick, patronizing pat to the shoulder as she moved to the take-out drawer and slid it open. “I am absolutely not here to either confirm or deny any of the rumors already circling the precinct. You invited me, remember?”

She paused only a second before shooting Iruka a decidedly mischievous grin. “Now, tell nee-chan all about the big, bad policeman and spare me no details. Thai?” She added brightly.

Iruka glared at the knife that had been taken away but didn't pick it back up. "You know how I've been working undercover at the school for three months now trying to figure out who's running drugs through there?" He tried to make his voice sound calm and reasonable but it came out sounding irritated and pissed off anyway. "One of the teachers was shot during recess and three of the kids saw it. So of course we had to take them in for questioning and find a way to get a hold of their parents. We had one of them sat down and obviously she's scared and upset and he all but accused her of pulling the trigger!"

That was clearly a big 'yes' to Thai. Flicking through the takeout menu--not that she was looking at it, the action was just comfortable in her hands while she leaned back to close the drawer with her hip--Anko kept a faintly amused smile on her lips and her eyes flicking over her friend's face. His face had puckered exactly the same way for years when something flustered him into a fit of utter frustration. Survey said: there was still time to needle a bit before the venting anger had to be calmed back down. Better to let him get it out of his system before getting all mushy and maternal about it.

"The scoundrel," she tsked with an exaggerated pout of her lower lip. "And to think so many poor helpless veggies had to die because of his actions. If only he'd known being an ass to children was a bad idea. Did you give him the what-for?"

“I tell him he’s going over the line and he fucking tells me to get laid. Like that has anything to do with whether or not I’m nice to kids or whether I yell at people like him. Anyone with half a fucking brain would yell at him, he’s an asshole!” Iruka growled, pulling the cabinet open and grabbing a tuperware container to throw the vegetables in. He frowned and shoved the minced vegetables into the fridge and grabbed a couple of cans of beer and held one out to Anko. “And don’t give me that look like I’m being unreasonable. I’m not he really is a dick.”

"No look, no look." Anko held up both hands, dropping the teasing pout in favour of a look of perfect innocence. Menu still waving between her fingers, she accepted the can with an unconsciously pleased noise. It only took a second to pop the tab with her teeth. A careful lick to the edge where the alcohol began to seep fuzzily to the surface, and her attention returned to her friend.

She gave the takeout menu a slight flourish before holding it out, as if him picking something to order was some sort of payment for accepting the can of beer and not making faces about it. "So he's an ass and not a saint. Most people are. Kids were lucky you were there, nn?"

Iruka frowned again and opened his can. “No.” He took a drink and headed for the door of the kitchen. “I’m clearly not as good with kids as I like to think.” It came out less angry but almost as irritated as everything else. “That’s the worst part... he let me try it my way and...” Shrugging he pussed the door aside and headed into the other room, clearly figuring Anko would follow. “...I completely failed. He got more out of them than I ever could have.”

The takeout menu flailed uselessly in her hand a moment longer before Anko gave up on the endeavour. There was little doubt that if she stuck around long enough, Iruka would feed her. It was embedded in his nature, as far as she could tell. Dropping the folded paper onto the counter top, she slunk after her friend into the other room, moving quickly enough to brush the fingers of her free hand against the young man's lower back.

"That what this is really about?" There wasn't any real accusation in her tone, just a vague hint of self-assurance. "Getting bad-copped at?" It would make sense, after all, for someone to be completely grumpy and reactive when outdone at their job in a field they should have been all over. "Not saying he isn't a dick for making kids cry. Just wanted to be clear what we're talking about."

“Yeah...” Iruka shrugged and grabbed the phone from the coffee table. “I know I shouldn’t let it bug me. I never liked... that method and I still don’t.” He’d almost said ‘when Mizuki did it’ but caught himself. Iruka knew he was overly sensitive about that but it didn’t really change that it pissed him off. “What do you want?” he asked, already hitting the speed dial for the Thai place they liked.

There was the money shot. Social cues sometimes bounced off of Anko's consciousness like so many annoying little flies on a windshield, but reading this particular young man came like an instinct. The little pause might as well have been Iruka screaming from the rooftops that no, they weren't talking about someone being an irreverent asshole, and no, they weren't talking about Iruka having a tough break with some witnesses. They were talking about Bad Decisions Iruka Has Made and Might Continue To Make If Not Properly Sorted Out Over Take-Out.

"I want you to be smiling by the time you finish your beer because you're going to decide, right here and right now, that you're not gonna keep letting these assholes you have a talent for meeting fuck up your mood and ruin your hot date with your glamorous lady-friend," she replied, voice a careful deadpan that didn't quite manage to hide a little flare of protective concern. It was a pity they were too old now to get away with beating people up in the schoolyard as a valid method of settling conflicts. Anko had been awesome at that. "But," she added matter-of-factly as she dropped down next to the coffee table to sit cross-legged on the floor, "you should order me phat si io with chicken."

Because really, food sounded almost as good and much more likely than solving all Iruka's problems before they'd chugged their way through the drinks.

Iruka smiled, it was a weak one but he managed it. It was actually hard not to smile with Anko around. “Very hot date.” He draped himself across the couch and reached over to tug at a bit of Anko’s hair as he ordered, adding shrimp rolls, yellow curry, and fried bananas to hers. Clicking the phone off he dropped it on the table again. “Really if he’d just told me what he was planning before hand instead of just expecting me read his mind when I’ve never worked with his ass before... then I might not have wanted to rip his head off.” His voice was a lot calmer than it had been. “And sorry he just really got under my skin.”

"Damn straight," Anko couldn't help but purr softly, squirming just a little closer to the couch as her friend settled there. Her own smile settled for a brief stint of smugly victorious. True, Iruka hadn't burst out into joyousness, but he was ordering food and playing with her hair and that was all a hell of a lot closer to a happy human being than the knife-wielding, door-lock-forgetting grump she'd walked in on not long before.

A celebratory toast to herself was enjoyed while food was ordered, knocking back a good amount of the can of beer with practiced ease. Her head tilted back as the other set down the phone, ready for round two.

"They always do, Iru. And when you decide you're done putting up with the bullshit, you'll be a much happier man." The statement was punctuated by an emphatic gesture of her half-empty can. "You knew he was gonna be a bitch to work with going into it, right?"

Taking another sip of his beer, Iruka set it down, then brushed his fingers through Anko’s hair again, this time pulling her hair tie out. “Kind of but... I guess I didn’t think he’d be any worse than any other I’d had to deal with.” The man took asshole to whole new levels. “Should we put a movie on?”

"Depends," Anko shot back almost immediately, reaching to brush her own fingers through her hair now that it had been let down, "is the movie a clever ploy for you to brood silently about this jerk without me bothering you about it?"

It had been a while since someone had stooped to that level of treachery, but she didn't doubt that it was the sort of thing Iruka might pull. It came with the territory of being friends for such a long time--reading each other's silences and knowing that movies with lots of explosions could stop a conversation in its tracks.

Iruka blushed and scratched at his scar. “Well...” It had been exactly that, at least in part. “It also kind of sounded like a good way not to think about the fact that even right now I’d really, really like to plant my fist in his self-righteous face.”

Stretching to pat Iruka on the head would have required moving from the comfortable position against the couch she'd only just settled properly into; instead, Anko settled for a long-suffering sigh. "You let 'nee-chan worry about beating the crap of out the bad man. You need to unwind from your little stress-bubble. You know it's impossible to enjoy Godzilla ravaging Tokyo if you're moody about your day."

“I’d pay good money to see you kick his ass right now,” Iruka chuckled. “I swear he thinks just because he’s good looking he can treat people like their inferior. Then again he could be really hideous under that mask.” The thought of Kakashi being deformed made him smile.

"Well now, lookit you," Anko replied with a proper laugh, finally squirming enough to tap Iruka playfully in the shoulder. "That's more like it. Say more mean things. I read it's therapeutic or some shit."

On second thought, she might not have read it so much as completely made it up a moment ago. Memory was a funny thing. She'd stick to the story that she'd read it.

“I bet that’s why he wears it.” Iruka smirked and picked up his beer again. “He’s probably got really bad acne and a hairlip” It made him feel better imagining all the horrible, horrible possibilities.

Cheek-pinching. The only appropriate response to Iruka's attempts at being mean was cheek-pinching. Alas, his movement to retrieve his beer once again put him in the 'have to stretch to reach' range, so Anko settled for simply arching a brow in amusement.

How had he managed to stay so ungodly adorable after all these years? Bad acne indeed.

"I bet," she echoed, unable (and frankly unwilling) to keep the amusement from her her smile. "That the best we're getting tonight? No quips about small dicks?"

Iruka snorted and rolled his eyes. “Oh no he’s not getting off that easy. Bet he’s missing one of his balls and that’s why he’s so damn pissy.” It was a low blow but so was Kakashi saying he needed to get laid where half the damn precinct had to have heard.

Anko had different laughs for different occasions. The particular laugh she found slipping from her lips in this wonderful moment was distinctly the laugh she'd had long ago when she'd been about 11 years old. It felt almost as good as sitting with Iruka drinking a beer making fun of people they didn't like. And that was a thing that felt amazing.

"Maybe he likes it like that," she mused, taking another sip from her beer. "Guy seems like he'd be into some really kinky shit. I'm sticking with it being a case of insufficient length."

“It’s one thing to be a little short or something so if that’s it he’s got to be like a whole two inches fully hard.” Iruka smirked and downed the last of his beer. “We need more beer.” He got up and jumped over the coffee table before ducking into the kitchen to grab the rest of the six pack and coming back. “To assholes and takeout,” he laughed pulling one off and tossing it to Anko.

"That's something I can drink to," Anko agreed happily, catching the can tossed her way before chugging the rest of her first. Setting the now-empty can carefully in the middle of the table (because god knew they were going to be able to build something stupidly awesome in the middle of the table with empty beer cans, take out boxes and the popcorn bowl by the end of the night), she leveraged herself up to sit properly on the couch before opening the second can. "To assholes and take-out," she repeated with a grin and a flourish, "may the one never ruin the other."

Pulling his own can off, Iruka set the other two on the table, and opened his. “In some cases they might even make it better.” He laughed and flopped back on the couch, sloshing the beer a little as he did. “Even in his case I think take-out would make it better... if just because I could throw it at him or stab him with my chopsticks.” Iruka smirked, even though he never would. "Or both."

This was infinitely superior to an Angry Iruka. This was an Iruka she could poke and tease and flirt with and throw popcorn at and somehow skirt just shy of pissing off because he was a Happy Iruka. It was okay to push a little, to dig a little. So Anko leaned back properly, settled against the back of the couch, and lazily tapped him on the forehead with her index finger. "So violent tonight, Iru. First the poor innocent vegetables, now chopstick murder? Maybe you do need some action to take the edge off."

Iruka shook his head but smiled. “I’m a guy I should be allowed to be violent and aggressive.” He wasn’t and they both knew he wasn’t. His temper tantrums aside Iruka didn’t like hurting people. “And who does my dear sweet nee-chan suggest I go jump?”

Anko had to think for a moment, musing over a little chug of beer. 'Whoever delivers the takeout' would probably be shot down without a second thought, as would something along the lines of 'let's hit a club and find out.' Then again, she reasoned, he'd probably shoot down any suggestion thrown his way. Might as well just wing it.

"You're not allowed to hit me when I say this," she prefaced with a stern point of her finger, "but know who'd be really satisfying?"

He raised an eyebrow, wondering if she was actually going to suggest the person he thought she was. “Oh hell no... Even angry sex with him wouldn’t be satisfying if he’s got a itty, bitty dick,” Iruka laughed shaking his head and getting up to answer the door as lights shone against the wall.

"Oh please, like the idea of bending him over a table and making him beg isn't enticing," Anko called after the young man's retreating back. A little stretch had her on her own feet again, can set idly on the coffee table as she wandered to drag her way through the movie collection. It wasn't that she didn't know them all at this point--it was just nice to stretch while there was no Iruka to lean on.

Pulling his wallet out, Iruka fished enough out to pay for the food an a tip then shoved the wallet away and opend the door. He took the food, waved his hand when the guy started to get change, and shut the door. “Not even a little,” Iruka laughed. He hadn’t ever told her he never topped and right now it was making an entertaining excuse for not being interested.

"And so the violent manly-man turns back into normal precious Iru-chan," Anko clicked her tongue, running one finger absently over the spines of the films. It was nice that he'd settled into laughing and allowing her to tease. More importantly, it perked her ego up nicely to know that she still remained an undefeated champion of cheering her friend up after a bad day. "We still get to watch a movie where things blow up, right? I think I'm developing an allergy to romantic comedies."

“You know me a good heist movie with lots and lots of explosions and I’m happy.” Iruka agreed setting the bag on the table and pulling the containers out. “I’m eating my fried bananas first. They’re just not as good when they’re cold.” Desert first was one of the advantages of being an adult and buying your own food. He grabbed one, with a napkin and headed for the kitchen. “I’ll go make the popcorn.” They probably wouldn’t eat it but it was really only there for throwing.

"This is why I love you," the young woman called back with a cheerful laugh. Well, Anko admitted to herself as she grabbed a movie from the shelf, it was a big part of it, at any rate. Having a good guy friend to watch action movies with who didn't care if you pigged out on sweets and threw popcorn everywhere? Awesome. Knowing that person was also one of the most wonderful people in the world who would never hurt you? Wonderful.

Knowing that nothing could change things between herself and Iruka to ruin this comfortable friendship? Pretty damn perfect.

Iruka threw the popcorn in the microwave and leaned out the door. “Well of course and I love you too nee-chan.” Having somebody who let him rant and called him on his shit and read him so easily was something unique to Anko. Mizuki hated when he ranted and Iwashi didn’t read him the way the other two did. “So what should we watch?” He could hear the microwave so long as he stayed at the door and it meant he’d be able to keep the popcorn from burning that way.

Wrinkling her nose slightly, Anko tapped the movie she'd pulled out against her chin as she continued to scan. "Is Gonin too graphic for eating dinner?" she asked, half to herself. It wasn't particularly fully of things blowing up, for that matter. Her free hand went absently to her hair, pulling a few strands back from her eyes--she'd have to make Iruka give her her hair-tie back. "I can't find where you hid Die Hard anywhere."

Laughing as he watched her, Iruka pointed to the top of the DVD player where it and several other cases were stacked then munched on his fried banana. It wasn’t surprising she hadn’t seen it since the spines were facing away from her and all she was likely to see was the black edge. “All of them are up there, I was going to have a little Die Hard marathon the other day and then got called in.”

The gory yakuza film was instantly deposited back on the shelf (certainly not where she'd found it, but that would just make finding it the next time that much more fun). Anko's hair was immediately back in her face as she all but flew to the DVD player, but she hardly cared. "Then the time to get your fix is now. Nothing gets an asshole out of your hair like C4 and Bruce Willis throwing people out of windows, y'know?"

She extracted the film from its case as she spoke, carefully setting it into the player before standing up properly to stretch. And then it was back to the couch , nimble fingers catching her beer up again and stealing a bit of banana before she threw a bright smile over at her friend.

Ducking back into the kitchen Iruka pulled the popcorn out and stuffed the last of his banana in his mouth before carrying the bag back into the other room. “The best part is he only gets better at it with age.” The plot being better and the supporting actors being better... he wasn’t entirely sure about.

"Like you," Anko chimed in happily, lifting her arms toward Iruka like a childishly welcoming hug.

True, their time together as children had been a huge highlight in her life. But this relationship they'd grown into--the teasing, the comforting, the picking up on each other's moods and thoughts, the warm safety of being in this apartment, the continuation of popcorn fights, the perfect contentment of being able to lean against one of her best friends when her own thoughts seemed to be rebelling against her--this was better than all the skinned knees and juvenile pranks in the world.

"But not like the food. Sit so we can eat already or I'll die of starvation."

Iruka dropped the bag on the table and then took the offer for what it was and settled down beside her, hugging her tight. “Yeah the food is definitely best hot and fresh,” he laughed, grabbing her container and handing it to her before getting his own. “How the hell did I manage to get so lucky?”

Hugs were delicious, of course (and Anko did her best to fully appreciate the one granted to her, giving a tight pleased squeeze back with her face pressed for just a moment against a comfortable spot she'd long since become acquainted with on the young man's shoulder), but having to exchange them for still-warm Thai delivery food was perfectly acceptable. She accepted her container with a pleased sigh, exchanging her can of beer for a pair of chopsticks before replying with a snort, "Hell if anyone knows. Awesome streak of dumb luck, though. Maybe scientists'll put it in a bottle someday."

“Put you in a bottle? Essence of Anko...” Iruka snickered. “So what would be in that cuz I don’t think it’s the supposed ‘sugar and spice and all that’s nice’ though maybe the spice.”

There was a slight twitch of her fingers around her chopsticks in response. Thankfully, Anko realized that she needed both to eat before throwing either at Iruka, and settled instead for a playful glare.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked with a little nudge of her elbow into his ribs. "'m I not ladylike enough for ya?" A point which would have been better made if it had not been immediately followed by beginning to slurp up her food--but hunger came first.

“If you were any less lady-like Iwashi would do more than pretend to flirt with you,” he teased before taking a bite of food. “Well at least if we overlook the fact that you definitely don’t look like a guy.” They both knew Iwashi was literally as gay as it got given that he was only interested in guys like Ibiki.

Anko snorted slightly around a mouthful of food. "'m not sure 'f I sh' be offended 'r not..."

For a brief moment as she swallowed her bite and reached to wash it down with a chug of beer, the young woman entertained the idea of a life messing around with someone like Iwashi. It almost felt like a nice idea--having someone to fall back on when options got scarce, someone comfortable and friendly and known who wouldn't ask for too much in return. The term 'friends with benefits' instantly came to mind, and she returned from the train of thought with a little displeased nose-wrinkle.

Iruka laughed at the expression, wondering what she was thinking. “Well given how many girls I get along with and date compared to the guys... you can just assume it’s a compliment because it is.” He couldn’t imagine Anko being lady-like ever, it would be weird. She could be sexy but lady-like just didn’t suit her. “Besides we both know if Iwashi wasn’t gay you’d be the first girl he’d go after.”

"You're too sweet to me," Anko purred in response. "Please, do go on. Tell me my eyes are like stars and my legs go on for miles." With that, un-ladylike as always, she squirmed her weight to the side slightly, landing herself more squarely against Iruka's shoulder as she continued to snap up her food.

“Oh definitely like the stars and you’ve got curves that are down right dangerous and tongue to match.” Iruka grinned and shoved her back, lightly. “And the manners of a dock worker.” He winked at her and dug into his food again.

"A sexy dockworker," the young woman chirped back with a bright smile, settling into place despite the little back and forth of nudging. Anko gave her chopsticks a slight experimental twirl as she continued, "The sort of dockworker you'd be lucky to get if you weren't so insistent on frustrating yourself."

Leaning over, Iruka kissed her cheek. “I screwed up one friendship that way but it would be damn tempting if I wasn’t as you put it “so insistent on frustrating myself.” Everything with Mizuki still hurt but oddly Iruka thought losing Anko as a friend might actually hurt more.

Certain things caught Anko's attention. The pressure of a kiss, the inflection of the end of a word, the purposeful way words got left out. She caught more of them with Iruka than with anyone else--but then, she was more everything with Iruka. More attentive was just the tip of the iceberg.

Frankly, it might even have been a misreading, an oversensitivity on her own part to the idea of in any way damaging their friendship, of the barely veiled references to a certain asshole she should never have let get anywhere remotely close to such an important friend (oh, hindsight, yet again revealing itself to be a total bitch). Whether the impulse came from Iruka or from herself, Anko wrinkled her nose, smile faltering a hair as she shifted her container of takeout into her other hand. The flippancy was briefly gone from her voice as she extended a pinky to her friend and replied, "Promise I'll kick your ass before I let us get screwed up, Iru."

The promise made Iruka smile and he leaned a little more against her. It was extremely comforting to hear the seriousness in her voice when she said it too. “That’s what you think. I’ve gotten pretty tough I might be able to take you,” he chuckled, reaching over to steal a bite of her food.

That settled, her friend's smile securely on his face, Anko relaxed properly into the half-slouching comfort of being curled up against Iruka. Her smile settled back into peacefully teasing as she snapped her chopsticks warningly at the intruder angling for the container she was holding. "Doubt it. You fight way too fair. Now hush and help me cheer for Bruce."

Iruka chuckled and reached for some popcorn which he sprinkled above her head. “Yea Bruce.” It wasn’t a very enthusiastic cheer but it wasn’t far enough into the movie to warrent an enthusiastic one.


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